In relationships there are several key things you can do to maintain a sense of wholeness through healthy communication, self and other validation, and setting flexible boundaries.
1. Even when you disagree with your
partner, consider, acknowledge and validate their experience, their point of
view, their feelings. Not only will this
empower you, it can lead to more open communication. When your partner feels heard, they will feel
less defensive, and thereby likely more open to hearing your experience.
2. Respond versus react. Reactivity
is impulse and emotion fueled. It is
setting you up for a fight, a power struggle, a threat-based exchange of attack
and defense. If you are feeling angry or
upset, take a moment, take a time out.
Pause, breathe, center. Consider
the exchange that just occurred and inform yourself of some things that may be
going on for you and your partner. When
you are ready for a responsive versus reactive dialogue, come back and begin
with ‘I statements’ of what you are feeling and what you are needing. Allow the other person to respond without
interrupting. If you reach a stale mate,
walk away with the agreement to revisit this later.
3. Check your perception. It’s easy to jump to wrong conclusions and make up your own accounts and narratives for which when
you check you may just have no evidence. Be willing to consider another point of
view and tell yourself something new and different. Be willing to let go of what
you think you know. There is strength in vulnerability and
it may help you be more open and accessible to the other person.
4. Consider your reactivity. What
are you reacting to? Own
your ‘stuff’.
When you react, are you being triggered by
your fears and insecurities? If so, you
may end up projecting these onto situations where they do not belong. In doing so, you will often create a
self-fulfilling prophecy. Be aware that
you are not reacting based on old negative self-beliefs and self-schemas, or
out of personal traumas, fear of rejection, losing control, self-doubt or
unwillingness to be wrong.
5. It is not all about you, so don’t take it personally. Remember that each of us
has a history, a story, a framework through which we view our lives
and others.
Imagine being in the other person’s shoes, consider their
story, their intention, and then sometimes the content of what they are saying
becomes less important and the emotion and need become more clear. Be careful not to personalize their
‘stuff’.
6. Engage
compassion. This
is important at any time, but especially in moments of anger or fear. If you’re feeling stuck or paralyzed, be kind
to yourself and to others. Being of
service to someone or something else may just get you out of your own way for a
moment, and open up some new doors for you.
7. Be willing to be wrong. There is
power in this. If you’re one of those
people who always need to have the last word, or who can’t be wrong, try a
little contrary action. Resist the urge
to respond. Resist the urge to prove a
point. Ask someone else more about their
point of view. Get interested in what
they have to say, whether you agree with it or not. The interest may just be reciprocated.
8.
It can be very empowering to let go of
needing to control others’ perceptions of you – no matter what they are. Own
who you are and how you feel. You can’t control anyone else, only
yourself. And even if you’re a super
hero, not everyone’s gonna like you. Let
it go.
9.
Nurture yourself. If you are only other-focused, you will be
running on empty and symptoms of imbalance and ‘dis-ease’ are likely to come up sooner or later. Fill yourself up and you will have more to
give. Empower yourself and you will
empower others.
10.
Don’t lose yourself to relationships. You are not just your job, you are not just
your hobbies, and you are not just the role you take on in your
relationships. You are a sum of your
parts, embrace them all, nurture and value them all. You cannot expect others to give you what you
do not give yourself.
11. Address codependency. Codependency is chronic self-neglect. Do you need someone else to be ok with you
in order for you to be ok with you? Do
you need to please, care take or receive validation and praise to feel good and
to know who you are? Can you say no? Do you live, breathe and feel through other’s
experiences and needs? Do you give up
too much for another person or try to control someone else’s feelings and
choices? Do you fear rejection, loss of
control? If any of these things are
true, it is time to let go and start getting to know your authentic self, who
you really are outside of your fears and what you have learned. You will need to challenge each of your
beliefs and begin telling yourself a new story. It will be uncomfortable, but hey, that’s
where the change happens.12.
In communications ~ Be honest. Be clear.
Be consistent. Clarify, don’t
guess. Be direct. Ask for what you need. Be assertive (not
aggressive). Leave
the past in the past. Avoid
aggressive arguing, defending, judging or blaming.
13.
There is opportunity in crisis. If a difficult person or situation enters
your life, perhaps that is life saying I want you to learn how to deal with
this. We often repeat old patterns and
they keep showing up over and over. The
next time an old pattern presents itself, recognize it and begin to engage
contrary action. Love yourself enough to
do something different – you will grow through the discomfort. There is a lesson to be gained, and in
gaining it there can be relief from suffering. Moving through what consumes us, versus
avoiding or self-medicating or repressing, can bring liberation and
enlightenment.
14. Learn to embrace the differences between you and others. Celebrate your uniqueness. Know that conflict is a part of life and
trust that you can hold onto yourself and be ok.
15. And as I mentioned in my prior piece…
Get conscious. Get
intentional. Shut off your auto pilot
and be deliberate. Listen to your inner
voice, that inner dialogue. Make sure
it’s yours, make sure it’s accountable, and make sure it’s kind.
No comments:
Post a Comment